moments in my life: Nothing to say yet words will pour out

I feel like I should post since it's been a little bit, but I don't really have too much to say about what I've been doing.

I never pictured myself as being the homesick type. I've spent enough time away from home not really missing it, that my emotions in the last while have suprised me. I have learned that I definately appriciate my parents a lot, and that I should show them more that I care. I've learned that phone conversations don't satisfy and yet I try often.

It's hard being away from home as others experience grief, joy, frustrations, and new growth. Yesterday marked one year since my Grandpa died. It's moments as I write this that I wish that I could cry as I wanted to. My body has neer really been the type to let me cry but if people saw my inner tears that flow maybe they would understand me better. However, that's another frustration that isn't worth being dealt with online. My thoughts really don't often flow to Grandpa, but the past few weeks have been filled with memories of spending my days sitting beside him in the hospital the last week, and more specifically of driving up with my Mom to the care home, walking in, being harassed by a rude worker, and then being greeted with news that broke every part of my Mom's heart. It hit me too, and I really am sad, but I had never seen my Mom broken, and that broke me more than anything else.

Go, silent friend, your life has found its ending:
To dust returns your weary mortal frame.

God, who before birth called you into being,

Now calls you hence, his accent still the same.

Go silent friend, your life in Christ is buried;

For you He lived and died and rose again.

Close by His side your promised place is waiting

Where, fully known, you shall with God remain.

Go, silent friend, forgive us if we grieved you;

Safe now in heaven, kindly say our name.

Your life has touched us, that is why we mourn you;

Our lives without you cannot be the same.

Go, silent friend,we do not grudge you glory;

Sing, sing with joy deep praise to your Lord.

You, who believed that Christ would come back for you,

Now celebrate that Jesus keeps his word.

It's just like, seriously so hard to be away from home and not being there for others. When I consider what my options would be if I were at home, I don't like them. In no possible way do I wish that I were living at home, going to school, or working, because none of those desires would fufill me but I wish I could be there to give my Mom a hug and tell my Dad that I love him. To call up the friends who do know who they are, and talk to them, go out for coffee and just support them as they go through the stuff that's going on. So. Most specifically. I'm sorry. I know that some will read that and not understand, but that was not for you. I'm sorry to the few specific people who are reading this and know exactly what I am talking about. I'm sorry that I'm not there for you right now. I'm sorry that phone conversations have not been able to occur between us, and I'm sorry that you have to go through what you are going through.

I just found these picture on my sister's blog. They're really old, but they made me miss home a lot more and yet be comforted so it's all good.

I had to leave after writing that because a roomate was leaving to go back home and I needed to say goodbye, so it's now early afternoon. On Saturdays and Sundays we have to get up for breakfast and make our lunch because only two meals are served, so on days like today, when I sleep in, I am pretty hungry. Everybody is always in a good mood around dinner because they're finally eating. Wow. That was random. Sorry-o.

I do actually have some prayer requests if you are into that.

I need to make a lot of decisions about what next year will look like. Where I will live, what school I will attend, and what program to persue. Currently the only answer I am mostly certain on is the program, which will be Child and Youth Care of some kind which will lead to a career as a Child Life Specialist.

Peace with being here. I'm going through a lot of doubt and having to figure out a lot of things, so it's tough to trust that I made the right decision.
Joy with my work. It's a lot of the same and a lot of working with people who don't just go get a job done; they dilydaly a lot and I would rather just get it done so we can have more time off, but we often will spend so much time on tasks that really aren't that hard to do.

My health. I had bronchitis before I came and it really isn't getting any better. I don't feel gross always, but I just have random coughing fits that bother me. As well, my heart rate has been really high lately. I'll be sitting doing something menial, and feel my heart, and it will be really really fast, so it kind of worries me. Supposedly heart rate can relate to stress, but I don't think I'm too too stressed. Obviously, there's a lot going on in my life, but I don't know what would be causing that.

That's about all for now. I'll maybe write and add some more tomorrow or sometime soon. I'm babysitting for some kids in about an hour for the evening so that will be nice to not do much. People will probably come over once the kids are in bed and we'll watch a movie or something. I'm definately hooked onto 24. We watched season 4 last week and we're on season 5, and I love it. I never really expected to watch so much tv in like consecutive hours, but it's fun. I always know what I'll be doing in the evenings!

I love y'all and miss y'all.