Liberia. Oh the country which is home.

Does life ever get good and then stay good? I'm not sure if I've figured that point out.


This week was a fine week. Nothing great. Nothing horrible. I just kinda felt like posting because I hadn't in a while, and I figured if I posted maybe somebody would think to check and comment or something. I know that I need to start updating this during the day because late at night I lose some senses and just get far too honest. So, maybe writing now isn't the best idea, and yet I will.


I'm scared. I'm scared shitless (pardon that, but it's the truth) about what this next year will enfold. I wrote about this a while ago, and I've been trying to give it to God, and it's sick hard. I have to figure out how to raise money from over here. Coming here it seemed like there were no hinderances, but I'm here, and it all seems opposing and frustrating. Please again, I ask, pray with me as I figure out how to raise money and prayfully consider what to do.


Secrets are also hard to keep. There's one I can't share on here that I really want to, so I'll just alude to it and say that if you've heard something (you'll know what I'm talking about) it's potentially true and yeah, I can't tell you for whatever reason, but when I can I'll write about it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't think anything about what I wrote because reading over what I wrote raises questions for me, and I know the secret, so yeah. Oh my goodness. Late posts are not good. And yet I don't delete it all and wait for tomorrow.


Let me think over the past while and see what I haven't written about.


Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday were filled with work. Actually though, Friday, I went to work, threw up, and then went to bed for the day with a killer headache. I feel fairly better now. Lots of headaches still, but other than that not too bad. I don't feel healthy but I don't feel like I'm going to throw-up again. So, I potentially would have gone out Friday, but I didn't think going out dancing would be good for my head, so yeah. I can't remember what I did. I probably either watched a movie or, actually I have no idea at all.


Saturday was great! Woke up feeling kinda not amazing but decided to go to an orphanage. Had a great time. It's a orphanage called Fatima's Cottage (or something like that) and it's on a huge piece of land with lots of building. Definately the nicest orphanage I've seen here. On the way back got some sweet action on puddles and we washed the land rover when we got back because it was COVERED in mud. Lovely lovely! Then, decided to go to the beach, so we were lucky enough to have another driver so we took out another land rover, drove the scenic route to the beach, and had a great time at the beach! It was definately the best beach day (based on water) I've had here. The waves were so huge that at one point a friend of mine commented that if we were in Florida (where she's from), the lifeguard definately would not let us be in the water. It was great. I usually spend quite a bit of time reading, but I didn't even crack open a book. I was in the water except for like 1/2 when it rained. It was lovely. As we drove home we went crazy fast down a muddy pothold road and it was another great moment! Oh Africa!


Today was interesting. I made a wager with God. I told Him when I woke up (far earlier than I had planned) that if I was supposed to go to church, one of my roomates who has invited me to her church several times would be in the room. She was. God won that round! So I went to church with her and it was good. Definately not what I would ever choose as a church for me, but still really cool. We're only here for about two more weeks, so I'll probably go for the next couple weekends there potentially.


After church I got back here on ship, played in an uno tournament, ate dinner, watched a movie, hung out on the dock, had some funny conversations, and here I am.


It's been a pretty good weekend.

No I'm not color blind

I know the world is black and white

Try to keep an open mind;

I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train

I want to get out and go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can

But honestly will someone stop this train

So afraid of getting older

I'm only good at being young

So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun

Too many shadows in my room

Too many hours in this midnight

Too many corners in my mind

So much to do to set my heart right

Oh it's taking so long

I could be wrong,

I could be ready

Oh but if I take my heart's advice

I should assume it's still unsteady

I am in repair

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

I thought a change of scenery,

Would change my point of view.

But even the magical ocean,

Is just another shade of blue.

But I'm alright,
I'll win this fight.

I feel kinda like I can't end this like it is, but really, I am good and I'm not good. I wish I could cry to get it all over with. I haven't cried in at least three months, and I'm ready to drain the tears and wait for another few months and do it again, but the only way to cry is to get really really mad and burst, and well, I don't want that to happen.

(Ted Loder - Guerillas of Grace)
How shall I pray?
Are tears prayers, Lord?
Are screams prayers,or groansor sighsor curses
Can trembling hands be lifted to you,
or clenched fists
or the cold sweat that trickles down my back
or the cramps that knot my stomach?
Will you accept my prayers, Lord,
my real prayers,
rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life,
and not just the pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arrangedbouqet of words?
Will you accept me, Lord,
as I really am,
messed up mixture of glory and grime?

For good news.

43 days until Christmas
50 days until New Years
58 days till I get to see my Mom and Dad
110 days until I'm 19
167 days until I get home (I think, but I don't have my ticket with me so I'm not sure what exact day I get home)

How many days until I see you?

Guaranteed, well, potentially guaranteed:

I love you.
I miss you.
I am so thankful for you and I hope you are fully aware of that.