My fingers ache as I play this song

'Cause I haven't picked up my guitar in so long

I think it's because I've been afraid to say

What I really think

And you know I cannot lie when I sing

And I lay down the load

Endlessly I think about the possibility

Of reconciliation between you and me

But there is no road

Where I don't have to lay down my load

Of pride, bitterness, and jealousy
I see how it all worked out

I see how he laid these stepping stones before me

For my own good

And I lay down the load

The line in the song, that is bolded and italicized is a line that spoke rather profoundly to me yesterday. It's a thought that's run through me a lot lately.

When I struggle with God, when I am fighting His love, and when I have 'my load of pride bitterness, and jealousy' I find it easy to 'ache as I play' my songs because I know that 'I'm afraid to say what I really mean' and because I know as well as God knows, that 'I cannot lie when I sing'.

When I struggle the most I don't dare let myself sing. Well, I'll sing, but I won't write songs and I won't find passion in music. I'll find pride in music, but I won't find peace.

In the past week I think I've written 5 songs.

It makes me smile because it's not that they're any good. Maybe 2 of them would be ones I would ever desire to record, but really, that's the least that matters.

I just want to praise my King.

So I'll sing,

and I'll

lay down the load.